Nesting

Nesting is an important part of being sofa-bound. It is normally important to the householder that shelves look neat, and are populated with impressive looking books, or attractively draped with nic-nacs. My own bookshelves sport a variety of candle ephemera and carved wooden odities. However, what use is a nic-nac when you're sat next to it for twelve hours? And just how fascinating is that coffee table book on Bauhaus architecture after a few moments of appreciating its glossy elegance?

Sarah has generally been unimpressed with my nesting activity, as it inevitably 'makes the place look untidy'. This is where the atavistic mammalian burrowing skills come in. There is hardly a spare square millimetre underneath my corner of the sofa or shelves. The ability of an object to squeeze into such a nook or cranny is part of the selection criteria for nest inclusion. Mostly, however, the key criteria is comfort.

Anybody who has spent time in hospital will be familiar with the nest. Everything has to be within reach at hospital, especially if you wish to retain enough self-respect to avoid ringing the nurse call bell every time you need something to hand. There are few more disheartening things than seeing your half-read paperback where your last visitor left it - stuck out of reach underneath the 'sitting-out chair'. Actually, about the only thing that is more disheartening is facing the same dilemma with an empty wee bottle...

Once at home, the nest performs the same function. There are important items - drugs, tissues, creams, dressings etc. There are functional items - a bag for rubbish, a mobile phone to ring for help in case of sanity failure, a sweater in case it gets cold. Then there are necessities. A portable games console. A computer with internet access. A supply of chocolate. And, this is very important, the remote control for the television. Absolutely key to the activity of nesting, is retaining control of this piece of equipment as far as possible, or else you will spend your entire convalescence watching a combination of screeching children's TV presenters in 2D primary coloured sets, and programmes about Big Brother contestants past and present. Try your hardest not to get run over during Big Brother season. I failed in this key task.

The last feature of the nest is to include enough revolting items to discourage speculative ferretting by other household members. A bottle full of stale wee should do it. And some overflowing tissues. This should protect the PSP and chocolate stash...